Team Jane's Weekly Hans Von Hozel Challenges
by Team Jane
Summary: Want a good laugh? Do you need one? A collection of funny Hans Von Hozel stories that will have you rolling on the floor in hysterics! Check it out!
1. Chapter 1

**Batter Up**

**My entry for the Hons Von Hozel Challenge**

**Week 1- Lemons**

Sookie in the shower.

Naked Eric pull back curtain.

"Have I poked you?" Eric asked.

"No."

"I will poke you. Spread legs." Eric climb in shower next to Sookie.

Eric massages Sookie's breast. Sookie massages Eric's ass.

"My stick is hard like bat. Ready," Eric says stabbing Sookie with his stick.

"I like baseball," Sookie says, "Batter up."

"My bases loaded," Eric states.

"Pitch a fast one," Sookie moans.

"As you wish. Here is windup."

"Ah, stick feel good."

"I love your tunnel of love," Eric said.

"What happened to the game? Do I get kiss? I am on the way to home plate."

"Right here baby," Eric stated as he squirt in Sookie.

"Kiss feel good. You made me dirty. I must shower again."

"I help." Eric declared with a leer.

"No, batter is out. Go to dugout. I shower alone." Sookie push naked Eric out of shower. She continues scrubbing hair without distractions of stick.

**A/N: No I have not lost my mind. This is a new contest based on the fan fiction author Hons Von Hozel. Hope you enjoyed it. It was fun and a good writing exercise for me.**


	2. Bonding Tree

**Bonding Tree**

**Week 4 Hans Von Hozel**

**Prompt: Rhodes**

"I do the bonding" says Andre as he makes trap of Sookie's doorway.

"I got knife. I do the bonding." Eric says the cape swinging.

"No I bond" With angry Andre says.

"I bond. You no having the knife. I having knife. She heal like dog to me. You see."

"Ok, you bond, I watch." Andre says.

"I bond in private so I no squirt in pants."

"You make squirt squirt, I watch." Says Andre.

"Drinky Sookie." Eric slice the throat in the neck.

Eric sink fangs in Sookie boobies.

"Danube" Eric shouts as pokey explodeds on pants.

Suddenly Quinn! "Why you squirt on babe. Why you mark babe like dog on tree"

"She my bond now, my territory. You mark other tree. This tree mine"

"I belong to me." Sookie says

"You tell fangy babe." Quinn says "He wants your boobies"

"At least he makes the Danube." Sookie says looking down Eric panties.

"But babe, I makes no rubber band for my stick. I Danube you now. I found it"

"You found your stick?" Sookie askes.

"Eric drink with the markings of Sookie. Eric stream flow making Danube." Andre says, no understanding of Danube. Thinks its some river.

Eric takes knife and accidents swing on Andre for his stupider thinking.

Andre dies with flakes.

"Why did you not put pointy in chest before bond." Sookie says.

"He annoy me with stupid sayings. He not know Danube. He not like my ding-dong. He must die."

Quinn hid from pointy and ding-dong.

**I think I went over by a few words. If you haven't tried it, give it a whirl. I do not own these characters or the right to Danube. All the glory belongs to CH and the amazingly talented Hans Von Hozel. I wonder if he will Beta me?**


	3. Rat Poisoning

**Week 5**

**Rat Poisoning**

**Prompt: Merlotte's **

"Oh no's, Beel making out with rats."

Suddenly Sam!

"I no likey the fangys. You serves the beers and no worry."

"Rats stinky. They biting fangy. He makes a disease- rat poisoning." she says.

"You need rat trap. Use D-Con. It makes rat dead." Sam says making trap in hands.

Sookie runs to door and to the park.

Suddenly Jasons truck in the flames!

"Chain!" The Sookie crys.

Sookie taking the chain with the silver.

Suddenly Rats eating Beel!

"Danube" Beel cry as rats eat his yum yum blood.

"Do not make the fear. I got D-Con." the Sookie shout.

She throw trap at rats. They died of the deadlyness.

"Oh Beel," the Sookie says running to him. She feel the pointy of Beel in her leg.

"No likely chain with the silvers." Suddenly Bell dies! Pointy all gone!

"Oh nos, I killed the Beel deadly with the silver."

Beel turns to goo.

"Damn!" the Sookie yells, "The goo makes the gross. Now me having to wash the clothing. The goo makes all stinky."

Sookie makes the sadly over gooy shoes.


	4. A New Rug

**A New Rug**

**Week 6**

**Prompt- Show Sookie Meets Book Sookie**

Book Sookie with the hands foldedly watched Show Sookeh act very badly.

Suddenly Beel breaks the beer stick!

Longshadow killed deadly by taking too much beer from Beel.

Sookeh scream with the bloody spritzing in her mouth.

Eric says, "Beel why you likey the screaming barfy humans?"

Sookie makes the face at badly act Sookeh. Sookie makes fingers around a pointy pencil.

Sookeh blows the chunks of old beer on shiny rug.

Sookie takes the pointy and makes the deadly out of Sookeh.

Eric looky down at the killed Sookeh and says, "Wood makes her deadly."

Beel looks the meanly at Sookie and says, "You killed my Sookeh deadliest."

"You are the next," says Sookie reaching for the pointy wood.

Eric says shakes head, "I needy a new rug."

Sookie says with sharpie in hands, "That is supposedly my line."

"Sookie is sexing with the sharpie," he says, pointing to his own sport of wood.

"I'll makes the woods feel goodly in book 4, do not have worry." Sookie says.

**I have to say I think this was the hardest one. Give it a try; they are a lot of fun.**


	5. Cape Stealer

_**Cape Stealer**_

_**Prompt: Felipe's Cape**_

_**Week 7**_

Zorro wakeys with the wanker dangling.

"WHERE IS THE CLOTHING?" Zorro yell.

"I striped you so you catch no deadly diseased chills." says Lupe.

"You takes my disgust off?" Zorro says madly that his mask makes off his face. "I need to hide from the peoples!"

"You falled all soaking into the fountain. Clothing needed muchly drying."

Suddenly evil Felipe pokes Zorro and Lupe with his eyes, showing off his glamourness!

"You will give me the cape. It looking muchly better on me anyways. The world is like the rose glasses and having no monster, or badly smelling guys."

Lupe and Zorro shake the heads. Lupe sniffs the smelly air and says with all the loving, "You smells likey the _roses."_

_Felipe shaking his head, "That work very badly."_

_Elena see bad man steeling the cape she says so madly, "Danube you." *Shakes the fists* "No matter where you go, you the cape steeler thieves, the world is not that big to do the hiding from me."_

_Sophie Ann finds the beef with Felipe and sees opportunity to makes the beefy better. "Elena, I can makes the dreams come truth. BUT, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"_

"_I want the truth." _

_Sophie bites._

_Elena raised from the graves. "I kill cape steeler." _

_Elena bangers against the castle walls, sets the C4 and runs. Everything turns to much explosions from the revenges! _

_Everyone finally died! _

_Sophie Ann made people build 20 castles because they be bigger than the small pecker Felipe. _


	6. Danubed

**Danubed**

**Prompt: HVH Danubes Story**

**Week 8**

Team Jane frets over the challenging for the week.

Suddenly HansVon Hozel!

"You danubed me TJ. There are copys for the rights laws. I demands the monies."

"I'z poor Hons. I gots no monies." TJ says.

"Then I takes you to the judging." HVH says meanyly.

Suddenly Magister!

"You guilting of the Danube. What says you?"

"I in the cents. I did not do what he says."

"You did not speech with magicals of the words?" Magister say.

"Its like the poison of the ivy. Its spreadly muchly. Even you Magister are diseased with the deadly speech."

"I is not. Gak, I speech diseased. We need the quarantine."

Suddenly gas falled from the sky by the Authority. Gas chokes everybody, even the vampers deadly. All exploding to the bits, all except HVH.

Authority say "Why you no die?"

"I immunely myself. I no die. I live on forever."

"Fucks me to the sideways!" say Authority.

**I own nothing and gots no monies. Alan Ball owns the Magister and the Authority, whoever the fuck they are. HVH owns, well the magical words.**


	7. Natural Disaster

**Natural Disasters**

Eric takes his poker stick and jabs Sookie's thigh.

The penis makes a hard!

Sookie's wets herself and is ready for the poker.

Eric penis danubes Sookie!

Suddenly natural disaster!

Eric penis disappear in cloud of Fairy dust.

Sookie says, "What is happen?"

Eric made horrors as penis detaches.

Sookie woke up and it was all a dream!

Sookie says, "Hmm, detached penis may help control the rain" as she wakeys up with soaken undie panties.


End file.
